AUNT BOOB VISITS THE ASYLUM:
MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS
  1. I AM ABOUT TO LIVE TWEET THIS MOVIE: MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS http://bit.ly/A5Cdu
    Sun Sep 20 18:00:21

  2. this movie stars Debbie "Deborah" Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas
    Sun Sep 20 18:01:58

  3. This movie is directed by Ace Hannah, who is in no way a real person.
    Sun Sep 20 18:02:53

  4. this guy flying a military helicopter around the alaskan coast is wearing plastic aviators from chinatown and has a cold sore.
    Sun Sep 20 18:05:31

  5. a lot of cgi ice just fell off an arctic shelf, causing the copter pilot to look up into the sky for some reason
    Sun Sep 20 18:06:40

  6. now debbie gibson is piloting a submersible with a joystick while wearing a tight black tank top. i think she also has fake black nails on.
    Sun Sep 20 18:07:38

  7. copter dude's radio: "Remember lieutenant, this mission is classified. Should be any trouble, the government will deny your existence"
    Sun Sep 20 18:09:23

  8. this movie is probably 20% footage from planet earth
    Sun Sep 20 18:10:30

  9. the control panel Debbie is using seriously doesnt even have buttons on it. it's just plastic with squares cut out that boop when touched
    Sun Sep 20 18:12:17

  10. copter dropped sumthing in the water. a pack of giant whales is heading to the sub. i know this is dramatic because the camera is shaking.
    Sun Sep 20 18:14:56

  11. "Son of a bitch! It's a Low Frequency Active Sonar!" the scared whales are running into the ice shelf. everything is shaking really hard now
    Sun Sep 20 18:15:59

  12. even the copter is shaking. the ice shelf is breaking? the whales are farting?
    Sun Sep 20 18:17:20

  13. haha the copter just hit the shelf and blew up in a tiny ball of fire exactly like copters in Sim City 2000 did if you option-clicked them
    Sun Sep 20 18:18:30

  14. bombastic dramatic music while Debbie jolts around in her seat. ice just fell. THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE ICE.
    Sun Sep 20 18:19:29

  15. WHAT'S IN THE ICE, DEBBIE? WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS MOVIE?
    Sun Sep 20 18:20:18

  16. now on a drilling platform in japan. dude says "everything's gunna work out I promise" THEN ENORMOUS TENTACLES RIP THE PLATFORM APART #IRONY
    Sun Sep 20 18:22:03

  17. debbie and her co-pilot (not jesus. looks like a sadder oliver platt) are now in cali. debbie says "i thought i saw something out there"
    Sun Sep 20 18:23:28

  18. theyre now on a beach looking at a whale carcass. they better be finna blow it up.
    Sun Sep 20 18:25:11

  19. debbie's scientist boss, her age, is chastising her for stealing the sub and taking it for a joyride.
    Sun Sep 20 18:27:02

  20. "Now I suggest you go home and think about what you did."
    Sun Sep 20 18:27:08

  21. haha debbie says "let's get a drink" and it cuts to her and oliver platt on the beach drinking pints in brown bags.
    Sun Sep 20 18:28:38

  22. this friendly cop is such a bad actor that he didn't even get the finger-to-the-mouth SHH motion right. he puffed up his cheeks real big!
    Sun Sep 20 18:30:21

  23. government is covering up oil platform disaster. this survivor is telling friendly japanese scientist that he "looked into his eyes"
    Sun Sep 20 18:35:53

  24. passenger plane is flying through lightning storm. scared passenger says "i'm getting married in two days" to stewardess, no reason.
    Sun Sep 20 18:37:16

  25. haha passenger goes "HOLY SHIT" while looking out the window, cut to Mega Shark jumping 30,000 feet and biting the plane in half
    Sun Sep 20 18:37:57

  26. http://bit.ly/Ij3A4
    Sun Sep 20 18:38:04

  27. debbie gets fired. evil boss: "Don't love the ocean too much. It doesn't love you back."
    Sun Sep 20 18:38:58

  28. debbie meets with old irish professor friend named Lamar Sanders, a traditional Irish name.
    Sun Sep 20 18:42:37

  29. every scene transition in this movie is done by cutting to the same shot of seagulls flying away. every single one.
    Sun Sep 20 18:43:32

  30. montage of debbie and prof doing science lab stuff. actually pouring dyed water from beaker to beaker.
    Sun Sep 20 18:46:43

  31. lab results: it's a tooth! prof: "who do you think it belongs to?" debbie: "i dunno, YOU'RE the ex-navy paleontologist guru!"
    Sun Sep 20 18:47:30

  32. haha prof thinks it belongs to a prehistoric shark "Megalodon," and google image searches it on safari.
    Sun Sep 20 18:50:44

  33. google image result: http://bit.ly/4BdQC2 but the cool dude's been photoshopped out.
    Sun Sep 20 18:51:16

  34. debbie: "Megalodon. Meaning 'Big Tooth.'"
    Sun Sep 20 18:51:36

  35. someone's been reading wikipedia.
    Sun Sep 20 18:51:52

  36. haha holy shit, i wasn't kidding, they just delivered this line: "It was the apex predator of its time...
    Sun Sep 20 18:52:52

  37. ... and is the largest carnivorous fish known to have existed." Word-for-word from the first paragraph in the Megalodon wiki entry.
    Sun Sep 20 18:53:29

  38. hahaha another wiki line: "Fossil evidence has revealed that megalodon fed upon large marine animals" except prof adds in "by yours truly"
    Sun Sep 20 18:54:29

  39. prof introduces debbie to friendly japanese scientist Shimoto. they just pout and unpout their lips at each other.
    Sun Sep 20 18:57:23

  40. the camera slow-zooms on their faces back and forth as they stare into each other's eyes. their sex scene better involve some tentacles.
    Sun Sep 20 18:59:01

  41. HAHAH the three walk and talk then get into a car with an obama HOPE sticker on the bumper.
    Sun Sep 20 19:00:23

  42. im going to stop starting tweets with any variation of "haha," but they should still be implied for every single one.
    Sun Sep 20 19:01:09

  43. like this one: shimoto is showing them "police identity sketches" of the octopus made by the oil platform survivor. 3rd grade shading skillz
    Sun Sep 20 19:03:01

  44. "this is definitely not the eye of a shark" "no, more like aÑ" DOORBELL.
    Sun Sep 20 19:03:39

  45. package for debbie! it's a Memorex DVD-R! no return address!
    Sun Sep 20 19:05:11

  46. it's a video recording from the sub in the first scene! lots of unintelligble underwater cgi, shimoto: "definitely megalodon.. and a friend"
    Sun Sep 20 19:07:11

  47. debbie: "what, giant squid?" shimoto and prof in unison: "OCTOPUS"
    Sun Sep 20 19:07:31

  48. obligatory environmentalism shoutout: debbie thinks this happened cuz we're making the polar ice caps melt. "Maybe this is our comeuppance"
    Sun Sep 20 19:11:02

  49. MAYBE THIS MOVIE IS OUR COMEUPPANCE
    Sun Sep 20 19:11:08

  50. okay, this scene transition wasn't seagulls. it was cgi dolphins jumping through the water. like that guns n roses video.
    Sun Sep 20 19:16:20

  51. http://bit.ly/ZMUCL
    Sun Sep 20 19:18:05

  52. huge shark fin is screaming towards a naval destroyer. it's either Megalodon or a titan playing a prank.
    Sun Sep 20 19:20:02

  53. ship's commander orders them to fire at it. it disappears off the radar. "Radio Washington: TARGET DETROYED!"
    Sun Sep 20 19:21:59

  54. "But sir! Target... returned!"
    Sun Sep 20 19:22:09

  55. commander (whispering): "It rises!" Ð is that a biblical quote? Melville? Deep Blue Sea?
    Sun Sep 20 19:23:37

  56. mega shark reaches destroyer. music: bombastic. camera: shaking.
    Sun Sep 20 19:24:48

  57. commander: "No." cut to shark, back to commander: "NO!" shark, commander: "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
    Sun Sep 20 19:25:31

  58. shakey camera zooms in on his face, cut to black.
    Sun Sep 20 19:26:04

  59. navy police with m16's bust in on our 3 heroes and take them to an interrogation room. Feng Shui and Guantanamo jokes made 2 seconds apart.
    Sun Sep 20 19:28:51

  60. evil navy dude to shimada (i thought it was shimoto): "don't worry, you're not going to manzanar" dude gives a liz lemon reaction face.
    Sun Sep 20 19:32:11

  61. evil dude: "we're dealin with menace that none of us imagined, much less counted on" shimada: "like Hurricane Katrina." what is this scene??
    Sun Sep 20 19:34:44

  62. evil dude to shimada: "you wanna commit a 'harry cary' or something?" double liz lemon faces from shimada and debbie!
    Sun Sep 20 19:35:44

  63. side note: Harry Cary was the dopest sports announcer ever, with the greatest statue ever outside Wrigley Field: http://bit.ly/noTcT
    Sun Sep 20 19:37:22

  64. evil dude implies debbie is gunna bang prof for "extra credit." prof speaks up and evil dude goes "Cool it, hombre"
    Sun Sep 20 19:38:17

  65. okay, my rule had to be broken: HAHAH debbie: "so what do you want from us?" evil dude: "SOLUTIONS."
    Sun Sep 20 19:39:16

  66. "If we don't find a way to stop this fucker, Sharkzilla is gunna own the seas. You own the seas, you own the world." def Deep Blue Sea quote
    Sun Sep 20 19:40:42

  67. map showing shark attacks around the globe. dozens in the pacific but a few off newfoundland. did mega shark jump america? OR VICE VERSA??
    Sun Sep 20 19:43:21

  68. oh wait, the octopus did the canadian shit. or something. im sorry im trying to convey this movie's logic.
    Sun Sep 20 19:45:03

  69. case in point: our heroes are now suggesting they entrap the behemoths for study. but where?? San Fran Bay and Tokyo Bay, of course!
    Sun Sep 20 19:46:40

  70. hip writer alert! evil dude: "how do you propose we get these things there? send them an evite??"
    Sun Sep 20 19:48:01

  71. 2nd science montage! so many test tubes with dyed water! staring in a microscope and shaking heads! mixing dyed water and shaking heads!
    Sun Sep 20 19:49:57

  72. debbie & shimada are bonding of their shared love of water.
    Sun Sep 20 19:52:28

  73. shim shares childhood memory of seeing dolphin caught in net. debbie makes joke about being shitty at fishing. they laugh, then slowly kiss!
    Sun Sep 20 19:53:20

  74. mind you, this is in the science lab.
    Sun Sep 20 19:53:29

  75. debbie: "I'm gunna take a walk." shim's face is confused! debbie: "You know... a walk?" now he knows! exeunt.
    Sun Sep 20 19:55:15

  76. making out in the supply closet! crossfade to post-coitus on the floor. now they're discussing how attraction is based on smell.
    Sun Sep 20 19:56:37

  77. DEBBIE HAS AN IDEA! "Pheromones!" Shim gasps: "My god! Are you thinkingÑ?" "We can use pheromones to draw them in!" this movie is great.
    Sun Sep 20 19:58:34

  78. 3rd science montage! oh my god, they mix two liquids together and it turns neon green! (actually kinda cool) They look elated.
    Sun Sep 20 19:59:36

  79. look elated = each dude kisses debbie on the cheek.
    Sun Sep 20 20:00:59

  80. evil dude doubt the monsters will take the bait. prof: "Those guys have been frozen for millions of years. Wouldn't you be a lil horny?"
    Sun Sep 20 20:02:05

  81. debbie makes canisters full of the neon green shit, which i guess is what monster pheromones look like. can pheromones look like anything?
    Sun Sep 20 20:05:07

  82. the canisters are identical to those from TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze. http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/6933/ooze1.jpg
    Sun Sep 20 20:05:54

  83. shim to debbie: "In all this darkness you were the one ray of light. If it's fated, we'll see each other again."
    Sun Sep 20 20:07:48

  84. holy shit this movie is only half over.
    Sun Sep 20 20:07:56

  85. evil dude orders fighter jet to fly right over the octopus to get a picture of it? everyone protests, giant tentacle reaches into sky...
    Sun Sep 20 20:10:44

  86. jet pilot: "MAYDAY MAYDAY! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" tentacle smacks jet, another tiny explosion.
    Sun Sep 20 20:11:35

  87. now they're shooting torpedoes at it? everyone just looks the same amount of concerned throughout this whole scene.
    Sun Sep 20 20:13:54

  88. have i mentioned how many scenes take place with debbie and others on the beach at dusk, looking into the water? right now is number 5.
    Sun Sep 20 20:14:55

  89. debbie is waxing existential, equating what they're doing with oppenheimer building the atomic bomb.
    Sun Sep 20 20:16:43

  90. prof is proud of debbie. she puts on cry-face.
    Sun Sep 20 20:18:31

  91. prof and debbie are in minisub in the SF bay trying to drop the pheromone tube but the sub's arm is broken!
    Sun Sep 20 20:22:07

  92. the megashark is approaching at 500 knots! (575 mph!) "Christ, that's faster than a fighter jet!"
    Sun Sep 20 20:24:23

  93. evil dude (who is lorenzo lamas, btw) says screw the environmentalists! blow that fucker up!
    Sun Sep 20 20:26:32

  94. firing commenced! no sign of the target! "Target Destroyed!" everyone cheers, but then an ensign: "Sir, I'm picking up a reading.." deja vu?
    Sun Sep 20 20:28:33

  95. Mega shark just bit through the destroyer like he was eating a hot dog starting from the middle.
    Sun Sep 20 20:30:48

  96. oh i forgot debbie and prof were still trying to escape in their minisub. it kind of looks like that re-entry scene in armageddon.
    Sun Sep 20 20:31:47

  97. ensign: "the target is heading for the golden gate bridge!" evil dude gets hell of nervous. ensign: "Sir? SIR?"
    Sun Sep 20 20:32:31

  98. oh jesus, here's the next five shots, all with uber-dramatic music: 1) Golden Gate Bridge, cars driving peacefully on it
    Sun Sep 20 20:33:52

  99. 2) Mega Shark half-out of the water, right next to bridge, putting his mouth around it (he can easily fit the six-lane width in there)
    Sun Sep 20 20:39:38

  100. 3) The same shot as (1), except the camera is shaking. I mean the exact same, as in Mega Shark is not there.
    Sun Sep 20 20:40:42

  101. 4) Evil dude looking concerned.
    Sun Sep 20 20:41:17

  102. 5) Same shot as (2)
    Sun Sep 20 20:41:30

  103. 6) aerial shot of the bridge (cgi), Mega Shark bites right through it.
    Sun Sep 20 20:42:05

  104. 7) Evil dude even more concerned. Keep in mind there are no monitors in the room he's in, and no one's saying anything. Telepathic vibes.
    Sun Sep 20 20:43:04

  105. 8) close up of the ensign, also concerned.
    Sun Sep 20 20:43:43

  106. 9) Mega Shark finishes his bite. Music turns sad.
    Sun Sep 20 20:44:02

  107. 10) Evil dude, sits back in his chair, closing his eyes and frowning.
    Sun Sep 20 20:45:02

  108. 11-15) shots of ensign, evil dude, and even debbie in her sub, all being sad and silent, as if they had just seen the tragedy.
    Sun Sep 20 20:46:05

  109. sorry, i said that was the next 5 shots, i meant it was the next 5 seconds.
    Sun Sep 20 20:47:00

  110. shim is in tokyo trying to lure the octopus, and it's only pissing it off. shim delivers the obligatory "My god, what have we done?"
    Sun Sep 20 20:48:08

  111. evil dude wants to nuke the monsters. our heroes discuss the myriad side effects, such as poisoning the oceans, massive tidal waves, etc...
    Sun Sep 20 20:51:30

  112. ...evil dude goes to call the pentagon. debbie: "We gotta think of a solution, fast!" shim: "I suggest we all get some rest and reconvene"..
    Sun Sep 20 20:52:24

  113. ..."in the morning" They all nod!!
    Sun Sep 20 20:53:03

  114. Debbie on the beach at dusk again.
    Sun Sep 20 20:53:27

  115. whoa, psych montage! lots of flashing shots, timelapse, flashbacks of previous scenes but all warped and wobbly, tossing and turning in bed!
    Sun Sep 20 20:54:21

  116. debbie busts into prof's room: "THRILLA IN MANILLA!"
    Sun Sep 20 20:55:22

  117. exposition: "We'll get them to kill each other!"
    Sun Sep 20 20:56:01

  118. Apparently they were battling when they were frozen in the arctic? They were fighting so slowly an iceberg formed around them?
    Sun Sep 20 20:57:41

  119. apparently Mega Shark and Giant Octo hated eachother so much that when the ice age came, they would rather continue fighting than survive.
    Sun Sep 20 21:00:37

  120. "Their hate is stronger than their survival instinct." I think evolutionary theory doesn't include nearly enough emotion.
    Sun Sep 20 21:02:23

  121. evil dude to debbie: "score one for ms. fancy pants" she actually looks at her pants!!
    Sun Sep 20 21:03:27

  122. the scientists' new plan is seriously to lure the monsters to the same spot and let them kill each other. "They'll cancel each other out!"
    Sun Sep 20 21:06:40

  123. Cause that what happens when two animals fight, right? They both die?
    Sun Sep 20 21:07:59

  124. shim quotes Caesar, prof picks it up, and debbie finishes it off. what a team!
    Sun Sep 20 21:08:48

  125. shim and debbie are exchanging glances and pouty lips via the communication screen.
    Sun Sep 20 21:09:30

  126. shim thinks about "that night" all the time. "Every time I go to sweep up"
    Sun Sep 20 21:09:46

  127. shark attacks sub they're all on. torpedoes fired... torpedoes missed!!
    Sun Sep 20 21:12:56

  128. mega shark keeps knocking into the sub, even though it could fit into his mouth like a toothpick.
    Sun Sep 20 21:14:00

  129. HELL OF HUGE OCTOPUS JUST SHOWED UP
    Sun Sep 20 21:14:11

  130. radar screen shows octopus over the whole map. not the shape of an octopus, actual underwater footage of an octopus. on the radar screen.
    Sun Sep 20 21:15:26

  131. naval rescue fleet "destroyed by Octopus."
    Sun Sep 20 21:16:29

  132. the sub captain's acting hero was most definitely chris penn.
    Sun Sep 20 21:18:29

  133. the past 3 minutes have been quickly-intercut shots of the sub, the shark, people in the sub (shaky), and that's about it.
    Sun Sep 20 21:22:46

  134. whoa, the ensign just pulled a gun on the captain! i think because they were going too fast?
    Sun Sep 20 21:23:10

  135. the ensign was driving the sub (with a joystick), but now he's standing with a gun at the captain's head! "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL!"
    Sun Sep 20 21:25:02

  136. the sub runs into the ocean wall, shaking everyone inside. the captain heroically grabs the ensign's arms, and debbie DECKS him!
    Sun Sep 20 21:26:35

  137. mega shark is about to swallow the sub like a minnow, but wait, what's this?? GIANT TENTACLES BE HOLDIN SHARKZILLA BACK
    Sun Sep 20 21:28:23

  138. Play-by-play: Octopus wraps a bunch of his tentacles around Megashark and tries to hug him to death.
    Sun Sep 20 21:29:24

  139. Megashark chomps right through a tentacle! Octopus lets go and runs away. Megashark gives chase.
    Sun Sep 20 21:30:33

  140. Every time a monster glides by the screen, they play the sound of a post-production intern going "SHWHOO"
    Sun Sep 20 21:32:42

  141. Octopus squirts an Exxon-Mobil's worth of ink in Megashark's face.
    Sun Sep 20 21:33:54

  142. somehow the sub ends up back at the place from the first scene, where the monsters were frozen. does this need to make sense?
    Sun Sep 20 21:36:47

  143. suddenly the whole sub shakes violently and everyone falls over. prof explains: "SOMETHING'S HIT US!!"
    Sun Sep 20 21:37:25

  144. the very large shark has a military submarine in its mouth. the people inside the submarine are upset.
    Sun Sep 20 21:39:44

  145. the shark lets go of the submarine. the people in the sub try to steer away. the shark comes back for it. this is not a smart shark.
    Sun Sep 20 21:40:49

  146. our heroes get in a mini-sub and abandon ship. every one else on board just sits tight, and then gets eaten by the very large shark.
    Sun Sep 20 21:42:59

  147. shim comes to rescue with his own sub, but then that gets grabbed by the very large octopus and thrown into the depths of the ocean.
    Sun Sep 20 21:44:31

  148. the very large shark and the very large octopus start fighting again! yay!
    Sun Sep 20 21:45:12

  149. fight sequence is intercut with a lot of closeups of our heroes, staring with mouths agape. occasionally evil dude will be shaking his head.
    Sun Sep 20 21:45:51

  150. of the 20 or so shots of the monsters fighting, there are probably 4 unique shots, 3 of them from the last fight.
    Sun Sep 20 21:47:05

  151. Mega Shark just bit off another tentacle!
    Sun Sep 20 21:47:16

  152. Octopus is now hugging Mega Shark again, but the action music has turned to somber music, and they slowly sink to the ocean floor. death?
    Sun Sep 20 21:49:04

  153. "Looks like they finally finished what they started, 18 million years ago."
    Sun Sep 20 21:49:27

  154. shim returns on screen! his face is covered in scratches and dirt, he's been in a terrible submarine wreck.
    Sun Sep 20 21:50:11

  155. shim and debbie are now the beach at dusk, together.
    Sun Sep 20 21:50:36

  156. shim says he wants to move in debbie. she says "You know I'm not a stay-at-home kind of gal. I'm a mermaid."
    Sun Sep 20 21:51:12

  157. prof shows up, with some pictures of some more prehistoric shit in the north sea! Our heroes run off, another adventure ahead!!!
    Sun Sep 20 21:53:33

  158. finally, Mega Shark and Giant Octopus, eternally entangled, fall into the blackness that is the ocean deep.
    Sun Sep 20 21:54:28

  159. Roll credits.
    Sun Sep 20 21:54:35

  160. In conclusion, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus left me slightly hungry and curious about Debbie Gibson's life choices. 4 out 5 stars.
    Sun Sep 20 21:58:21